Here I am again like a dumbass! He is no where to be found. His whole family is covering for him and I am pregnant with his second baby, at home and all stressed out without a wink of sleep. Boy! Am I the stupidest person?! I don't know what gets in his head, but it's like clockwork, every couple of months he does the old thing. I hate him! I hate him! I am so stupid! I feel so alone, abandoned by everyone.

Sometimes I just hate him

I really hate him right now! For the past few days he's been parading around saying that he can do whatever the fuck he wants. He doesn't want to spend any time with me. He's so greedy and selfish, that all he wants to do is be by himself, get drunk and do drugs! I've suggested many times before to go to dinner and a movie but no, he doesn't want to. He hasn't taken our daughter out to play and I'm always stuck with doing all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and sitting and work.. It seems that I never get to do anything I want. My friends are avoiding me like I have some kind of disease and won't hang out With me. Tonight I asked an old high school acquaintance to go to a movie with me. She is pregnant as well, and she agreed. But after the blow up with Him I don't even feel like going out. it's true, I am a little depressed, the house is dirty, but I don't want to clean it. It's always me who does, and I never get credit or get my desires satisfied. Its always whatever he wants to do, go, eat and even watch! I can't believe we are having another child together. I feel trapped. I wish he would realize but he will never change.

He's still at it...

It's the same old thing, he's still on drugs and not thinking straight. I can't believe that I started this blog two years ago, and yet I'm still in the same place. Everything I wrote about is still happening in the exact same way as two years ago. I thought he had changed. I guess I am just so in love with the idea of being in love that maybe I don't leave? I look at my parents and I want the same thing they have. My parents have been together and stayed with one another despite some problems they have had. They still love and care for each other, and they do everything together!
My boyfriend is so selfish, he only really cares about himself. He thinks that materialistic things fill in for love or carinos. So every time he mistreats me, breaks a promise, or just realizes that he really really fucked, he goes and buys me something that I have wanted. Or he'll take me somewhere that I've said I wanted to go or do. Sadly, I accept those gifts. When he tries to make love, I force myself into it. Our sexual life has gone down, now I hardly ever am in he mood or just make up excuses to avoid that whole situation. In my defense, how can I be intO it, after all the stupid shit he puts me through? And the fact that I have no idea where he's been or who's he been with.
This last argument was pretty bad, my whole family witnessed him being an ass. My own father is worried for my daughter and my safety. He was drunk by 8:30 pm, had a jealous fit over absolutely nothing! Then his brother came over and things spiraled out of control. His brother, just like the rest of his family, poured poison into his head and threw him completely against me. Of course my family has my best interest, so my dad calmly asked him to leave. He wanted to stay with me, and I would've taken his drunk ass home like other times but no, he decided to go with his brother God knows where...
He's not home yet, but I talked to him, at least he's ok....
TBC