Here I am again like a dumbass! He is no where to be found. His whole family is covering for him and I am pregnant with his second baby, at home and all stressed out without a wink of sleep. Boy! Am I the stupidest person?! I don't know what gets in his head, but it's like clockwork, every couple of months he does the old thing. I hate him! I hate him! I am so stupid! I feel so alone, abandoned by everyone.

Sometimes I just hate him

I really hate him right now! For the past few days he's been parading around saying that he can do whatever the fuck he wants. He doesn't want to spend any time with me. He's so greedy and selfish, that all he wants to do is be by himself, get drunk and do drugs! I've suggested many times before to go to dinner and a movie but no, he doesn't want to. He hasn't taken our daughter out to play and I'm always stuck with doing all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and sitting and work.. It seems that I never get to do anything I want. My friends are avoiding me like I have some kind of disease and won't hang out With me. Tonight I asked an old high school acquaintance to go to a movie with me. She is pregnant as well, and she agreed. But after the blow up with Him I don't even feel like going out. it's true, I am a little depressed, the house is dirty, but I don't want to clean it. It's always me who does, and I never get credit or get my desires satisfied. Its always whatever he wants to do, go, eat and even watch! I can't believe we are having another child together. I feel trapped. I wish he would realize but he will never change.

He's still at it...

It's the same old thing, he's still on drugs and not thinking straight. I can't believe that I started this blog two years ago, and yet I'm still in the same place. Everything I wrote about is still happening in the exact same way as two years ago. I thought he had changed. I guess I am just so in love with the idea of being in love that maybe I don't leave? I look at my parents and I want the same thing they have. My parents have been together and stayed with one another despite some problems they have had. They still love and care for each other, and they do everything together!
My boyfriend is so selfish, he only really cares about himself. He thinks that materialistic things fill in for love or carinos. So every time he mistreats me, breaks a promise, or just realizes that he really really fucked, he goes and buys me something that I have wanted. Or he'll take me somewhere that I've said I wanted to go or do. Sadly, I accept those gifts. When he tries to make love, I force myself into it. Our sexual life has gone down, now I hardly ever am in he mood or just make up excuses to avoid that whole situation. In my defense, how can I be intO it, after all the stupid shit he puts me through? And the fact that I have no idea where he's been or who's he been with.
This last argument was pretty bad, my whole family witnessed him being an ass. My own father is worried for my daughter and my safety. He was drunk by 8:30 pm, had a jealous fit over absolutely nothing! Then his brother came over and things spiraled out of control. His brother, just like the rest of his family, poured poison into his head and threw him completely against me. Of course my family has my best interest, so my dad calmly asked him to leave. He wanted to stay with me, and I would've taken his drunk ass home like other times but no, he decided to go with his brother God knows where...
He's not home yet, but I talked to him, at least he's ok....
TBC

He didn't come home...

Friday nght he didn't come home. No phone, call no texts, nothing. I called his moms house in TJ and sure enough he was there. I spoke with his stepfather, he told me that he had shown up at five in the morning all drunk and high again. His stepfather had also let me know about him riding around with the slutty girls from the neighborhood. At work he's been flirty with the girls from the coffee place. So when I finally saw him, Sunday afternoon, he didntsay anything so I asked him, "do you have anything you have to say to me?" He simply scoffed at me and told me no he had nothing to say to me. I asked him if he still wanted me to leave and he answered back that yes he did to get my shit and leave. I said fine, I didn't argue and I slept on the couch that night.
The following day, Monday, after work I Was so hurt I got a few things and took his word and left. he called me once that night but that was it. There was no voicemail and no txt. He hasn't called to tell me he missed me, that he regrets acting so bad, nothing. I'm so upset that he would do all the formentioned acts. I had intuition about him messng around with girls but never caught him actually making out or touching any of them. But It has been confirmed and he left me injuredi wonder if he had ever loved me or why had he done and. Never noticed. Was it me? Was I really such a terrible person? I'm so confused. He's acting angry towards me but he was the one who kicked me out. I don't get him. I wasn't going to be there while he partied And came back home whenever he wanted to. I didn't want to expose myself to get a disease or something.
I'm still not even sure if this is a permanent thing or not. He took my money for the mortgage payment and he only returned half. That's not enough money. He left me and his daughter homless.

At my mom and dad's house

So I came up to Escondido, where my parents live, went to a couple of little kids parties, met up with a few friends and had a good time. I have more fun here in Escondido. I feel relaxed. I'm with my family and my baby loves ut here too. I get to sleep in and I am able to forget about my not so nice boyfriend, who I've been calling "jonny." If I move back, I know for sure I would forget about him.

He didn't come home...

jonny

didn't come home last night. He didn't answer My calls. So this morning I called his moms house and sure enough he is there. His stepdad said he would talk to him and talk to his mom. You see, his mom has been lately turned into a huge bitch. She covers for jonny and that's not right. She's already had two failed marriages you would think she wouldn't want her children to go through that? But she doesn't advise him to be a family oriented man. He will be turning 25 yrs. Old and he's regressing back to bring 18. We have a family now and big responsibilities but as long as his mom keeps intervening and won't let him grow up. I don't think I can forgive him anymore. His drug addiction us worse than ever and he can't stop he has told he doesn't want to. He won't go to counseling either. I'm out of options. I'm really considering moving out. I Just want this be over with.

My boyfriend

So I've been with

jonny

for six years now, and we have a 13 month daughter. When we first fell on love he had told me about his cocaine addiction, six years ago. I had never been around that kind of drug so I didn't really know whAt the outcome would be. I stayed with him, and didn't really see a problem but it got worse. He became more addicted or maybe I just really noticed it cause we had moved in together. Stupid me. With this increased addiction Came aggression. One day he choked me, he's slapped me, pushed me, left bruises on my arms. I couldn't believe it. He had been on a roller coaster ride meaning one day he was super sweet with me and the next he was a complete asshole! We got pregnant and I moved out. I told him i didn't ever want him to feel forced into fatherhood but he said he want the baby as much as I did. So he stuck around behaved nice an convinced me to go back with him. Stupid me. Well he hasn't changed, he's actually worse and no one in his family cares or talks to him or believes me he has a bad problem. I don't know what to do. It seems like his mom n sis n bros hate me I feel like everone is against me cause I asked them for help. I know he's the son or brother and They don't want to admit he has a prob but I'm in it alone with my baby. I don't know what to do. It's always drama. I'm thinking bout moving out. He's always lying to me bout where he's at or who he's with. There's no trust. He never goes out with me n baby either. Right now he won't answer his cell or txts I don't know if it's girls or drugs...?